(Delayed post from August, found it down the back of the sofa along with an odd sock and 20p. I’m now in the UK, will let you know how it goes…)
Backpacker. Traveller. Gypsy. Beachbum. Economic immigrant. Migrant. Ex-pat. Wanderer. Hobo.
Who am I? Why am I wandering? How long will I keep on going? What am I searching for? Where is home?
I am a lost one. A wild child, with no children. I have only a backpack and a few dollars in my pocket. A one way ticket and an open heart.
I am searching for something; richer colours, deeper feelings, purer love, a wilder life? Living day to day; for beautiful beaches, happy smiles, sunshine, higher mountains, curious cultures, starry nights and lazy, hazy mornings after. Rebelling against the grey and the grind. I need to feel. I need to be alive.
At 27 I have never had a full time job. I have no university degree or ‘qualifications’. My longest relationship was under a year. My good friends are scattered accross the globe and I see them rarely. I have little money in my savings account. I don’t own a house, a car or much of monetary ‘value’. So do I then have any value? If these are socially accepted goals, can I ever be successful?
Who’s judgement counts on how well we have lived?
Algebra, treadmills, uniforms, life insurance, spanx, celebrity magazines, cars on finance, botox, chemical air-fresheners in ‘meadow breeze’, tinder, work appraisals, gluten free cake, saline tits and prozac smiles.
Clock in, clock out. Don’t be late. Don’t be sick. Be thankful for the overtime. Sign the contract. The deal is you sell your time. You sell your energy. You sell your life. In return you take the paycheck. You pay your bills. You save for security. You save for sofas, cars and pensions. You save for retirement when you’re old and tired.
That is just how it is. That is what we we are trained for. That’s ‘reality’. We need to work. We need not think. If this is ‘the real world’? Then where have I been?
After 25 months of travel or 748 days away from ‘home’, have I learnt anything? Have I found any alternative way of life? Or is it just a prolonged trip from reality? Is it all just velvet sunsets and gypsy dreams? Must I one day return home to the life I was prescribed? Settle down, start my career, invest in a home, have some children, buy sensible shoes, pay into my pension, adopt a dog and name him Steve? Will I one day return to ‘the real world’?
To me, this crazy trip feels real. It’s not a holiday. It’s not a gap year adventure. It’s not a nice little break from the grind. It’s research. It’s a part of my education. It’s trial and error. It’s learning my place. It’s the search for happiness. It’s looking for a place to call home. It’s figuring out if that’s even a destination? Or will I forever be of ‘no fixed abode’?
Along the road I’ve been travelling, I’ve keep hearing the question… “And then you’ll go back home?” Always asked with the same knowing expression. As if it’s game over. Please return your seats to an upright position, put on your raincoat, the fun’s over kids, it’s back to reality.
I want to be at home; here, there, wherever, within myself… I found a piece of paradise. I found a peace in paradise. I realise it’s in my mind. It’s with me everywhere I go. And even in the middle of the city there are places my soul feels good. I’m back at one of my favourite Melbourne homes. The veggies are growing, the sunshine is warm and I’m with friends that make me smile. Peace, veggies and love. Life is sweet and I am grateful ❤
I held tight a familiar, comforting hand, my whole palm wrapped around just one, strong finger and let the vibrations overflow. This time I knew I was about to go under. Feeling the beat echo through my soul ~ wOhmm wOhmm wOhmm. That warm, heavy, rich, unfaultering, bass-line. I slip futher into the deep, velvet, tingle.
The wave drops. I fall and feel my perception blur. The momentum takes over and I become a passenger. I do not resist. I am blind to all but a truthful searing vision. Love-rites the rythym. Truth sings and my body dances. Lucid and aware in an altered place. A silky, incandescent, subliminal layer. An infinte stream of conscious. I focus within breath.
There’s sense in waves. Patterns. Rythym. A truth settles on my shoulders, disguised as a butterfly; Ease the burden and do not let your precious Mother carry a load and hold a pain that you can manage yourself. Help her carry the weight of the world. The light and dark. The one and the zero. Share. Love. Become the part and the whole. Unify.
You are strong. Your branches are not so weak as when you were a child. You have grown. You have learned to carve your tales as a totem pole and carry it with strength. She has others to protect now. Our Mother, our home, our biosphere, our paradise has raised us. She cares for us when we are sick. All she desires is love in return. Be kind and loving. Be truthful and loving. In thought, action and deed.
The injured souls you carry and feed. These are versions of yourself that you thought you could become. They are your fears and insecurities. It’s time to let them go. You cannot save all of the stray dogs. Some may try to bite you when you stop feeding them. Stand strong. Don’t relinquish your power.
You have never forgotten how to dream, only fragmented them into pieces, disappointed with all, except perfection and sleep. It’s time to accept foe and friend. Remember the unified-time-stream. With ancestors and ancients. Tribes and tribulations. Let them tell you their tales.
Officials. Attending with queries. Needing evidence. Those that were seen dancing were thought to be mad by those that could not hear the music. Plastic. Ocean. Storm. Each wave you fight to hold on for your space on the boat. To not fall into the void and cease to be.
I met a small girl. I know ‘she’ is ‘me’.
The child I was scared of. The vulnerable power. The realisation I am powerful. I always was. I was just guarded. Sub-dued by duel authority. Awaiting instruction. Angry and fearful. And concerned with the noise of others.
I see you. I recognise you are a part of me. A shadow I was too scared to notice. And every time I ignored you it shattered you more, until your eyes were empty from not being seen. I am sorry. I didn’t believe such a knowing of innocence could possibly survive in places I had been.
Yet, I see that I have. A divergence is only noticeable after the event. When there are 2 possible paths and 2 futures are projected; you only realise the one that you followed when the time has already passed. The other becomes another distant relative.
True-love-rebels are the ones that dare witness. They simply observe, hold and love. Quietly. Willfully. They collect the silky threads of knowledge, knowing and time and weave them into bandages. Medicine. Healing-song. Beats. Rythym. Life. To be played with the children, another echo, a further future. The notes the children of tomorrow will sing.
Connection to one. Returning to zero. To keep sane and open when the dancing is over. The beat fades out. LUCID dreaming. Eyes wide shut. Reality shifted. Acknowledge the knowledge.
Do not try to modify memories, already gone. Knowing you are coming from a place that needs no adjustment in the past. You are responsible for your time in space and space in time. Look to yourself. Awaken in life.
And those that could not hear the music, those spectators watching from the surety of the shore. Those that identified with identity. Those that limited their passing through ports. Those that tightly gripped their official passports. Those that chose not to see. Their eyes looked fearful when the storm finally came. Eternal sleep. Worry not, it was all just an illusion, a hazy, forgotten, memory of a dream.
I’m seeing recently, that by being brave in thought and action and having a somewhat free-flowing nomadic gypsy life, I have had access to ‘alternate’ realities and learned some interesting lessons.
One example- Tuesday nights in a 4 floor, candlelit workplace with aerial hoops, gigantic crystal chandeliers and dancing, soapy, naked, glittery girls on stage (lesson- it’s beautiful and feminine and sexual and I see I shouldn’t be scared of that powerful combination).
Where the girls outnumber the boys 10:1 and in their 8″ heels are usually taller. It’s not your regular 9-5, it’s not a ‘normal’ reality. It’s unusual and intriguing. I’ve learned no matter who you are, what you can do, how charming you may be, how beautiful you look, or how much love you have to give, some people will still not like you in life (and this is okay). Fuck ‘em and stay happy anyway.
I am also learning that I am beautiful. And that you are all beautiful too. That we live on an infinitely beautiful jewel encrusted planet and that being positive feels good.
That negativity, insecurity and too much ego leads to self-masturbation, when what I actually desire is self-love and symbiotic-love. And I should not be ashamed of this desire.
Love is not vanity, possession or ego. Love is gratitude and appreciation. It’s feeling thankful and happy for all existence. It is knowing I am just a small fractal of a much bigger picture.
I am good enough and worth enough to love myself. Properly Love. Gratitude-and-awareness love. Calmly-centering-myself love. Appreciating-my-health-and-body love. Understanding-the-beautiful-complexity-of-life love. The juicy bits. Juicy love.
I have learned that I can, if I want to, access the time and energy that I have available to me and go find a space to make something positive with it. I can make whatever I like. I can make sparkles and more love.
Or upcycled bunny ears and workshops on daydream-catching. And I can share these things that I have ‘made’ with anyone else that wants to join in. And even though this sometimes leaves me feeling vulnerable, that is okay, because it’s not about me.
It’s all about amplifying good energy and action. I can aim to be a productive, efficient, creator.
“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there” – Cheshire Cat.
I started researching, networking and looking for others on the same trip. I have been thinking about where I want to be and what I want to do.
Looking further into ‘intentional communities’ and listening to the tales and experience of others and using that as a guide for direction. I’m looking to find a good festival vibe.
An international, travelling, intentional community, a network of good people, good food and good speakers. A gypsy tribe and a piece of paradise; my kind of home. It has led me to some inspiring finds.
Regional- ‘Burning Seed’ Southern Hempisphere, ‘Nowhere’ Northern Hemisphere. With many more regional ‘burn philosophy’ offshoots in cities worldwide.
Rooted in the values expressed by the Ten Principles, this culture is manifested around the globe through art, communal effort, and innumerable individual acts of self-expression. To many, it is a way of life.”
I’ve been willingly falling down rabbit holes and following curiosities on a quest to find my small piece of peace in wonderland.
I’m remembering what I once studied and the things that interested me when I was young; art, design, crafting, creating, healing, mending, connection and language. I even studied some in ‘formal’ education and got actual certificates.
This made me reflect to my previous post and question the difference between what I wanted and what I needed. I need food, shelter and love. I need to change positive thought into positive action.
I am trying to do this with the only resources I have control of. My space-time-energy-love. I am realising that everything else, including the sparkles, are collective and could be shared.
It’s all growing into thoughts of a way to possibly materialise some of my beliefs and make them physical. A way to spread a little love and happiness.
A way to join the fight to upcycle some of the tonnes of unwanted ‘shit’ we under-value, disregard and throw away every day. A way to heal something broken and turn it into something that is loved. A way to be more appreciative of my life in my ‘work’ and turn negative energy into positive energy.
Playing with ideas of ‘foraged fancy dress’, workshops and a festival mending tent. A travelling tinker-gypsy vibe. All within the philosophical principles of the ‘Burning Man’ movement and of ‘ephemeralization’.
In Buckminster Fuller’s words “ephemeralization is progressively accomplishing more with less”. To get better and better at using materials in more sophisticated ways, so we need less and less quantity of materials. Sounds like a good plan to me.
I’m being a more confident, happy, productive little bio-bot and trying to remember to make time for yoga, fresh veggies, sunshine and friends. I’m more and more avoiding unnecessary ‘waste’, made up of clothes, greed and bullshit.
The recklessly wasteful ‘single-use plastic bag-baggage’ that’s created through my insecurities, driven deeper into my psyche by advertising and ultimately ends up in landfill or the ocean, and instead just enjoy life.
I learning to appreciate more and live with less.
To be a space-time-energy-love tinker.
That is my next travel/love/life adventure and anyone is welcome to join.
I’ve had lots of motivation to ‘do things’ recently but have been finding it difficult to make myself listen, sit, observe and reflect. I’ve definitely been buzzing at a high frequency and I appreciate that I am sometimes fucking annoying.
I was advised by a naturopath, whilst living at Bellbunya (a sustainable retreat in Queensland), that I have problems with my ears and I need to work on my listening skills. I’ve heard this advice a lot in my life but always struggled to listen.
I was told by another friend in the community, whilst he was making me a beeswax candle one evening to ward off some of the negative energy (and huntsmen spiders) in my room, that I was ‘Vata’ in Ayurvedic medicine.
Meaning I need to regularly calm and tether myself with meditation, rest, water, and nutritious food. I am trying to learn to appreciate ‘being’. I am learning to go with the ebb and flow. The waves of life. I want to be a space-time surfer.
Thanks to my mum, my friends and the unsuspecting strangers for their time, love and energy recently. Thank you for listening, cuddling, feeding, sharing your homes, dancing with and loving me, you sexy little beasts.
My travel/living/work/love/life circumstances have all been changing recently. I’ve slept in 7 different beds the last couple of months and met many new, ridiculously intelligent and interesting people.
Good friends are advancing away on their own paths, once familiar places feel different and new opportunities have been presenting themselves. I know it’s time for more adventures and I’m excited to go exploring.
Even if I wasn’t, I only have 6 months left on my Australian visa, so some sort of cunning plan might come in handy soon. I’ve found myself daydream-catcher-making, thinking and asking myself a lot;
“Well, what the fuck do I do now?”
Trying to get a grip on this has taken some time and processing. It’s thrown up lots of other questions too. Lots of questions and lots of self-reflection, analysis and poking about in my insides and my soul.
I’ve been asking myself “What are my beliefs?”, “Do my actions match those beliefs?”, “Where do I get my idea of ‘identity’?”, “What is my perception of success?”, “If I’m not going to do what I have for the last 7 years (travel, stripping, cities), then how am I actually going to thrive?”, “Do I need to chase money and exotic sunsets?”, “Can I enjoy being in my own company?”
And the always fun; “What is the worth of my existence?”.
In January I decided to go back to Queensland for the 4th time (I still haven’t made it to Sydney), it might seem repetitive but it’s a ridiculously beautiful, subtropical, rainforest, beach porn heaven and I like it. I went to live in 3 ‘intentional communities’ for a few weeks. These included:
Bellbunya: $75 p/wk in exchange for 18 hrs community work (half asylum, half eco-retreat, good people, great veggies and lots of laughs).
Noosa Edge: Free – I didn’t stay the night (advertised as a nudist resort, actually more like a 66 year old man’s wet dream materialised- sticky, homophobic and definitely not my vibe).
Chenrezig: $20 p/night in shared dharma dorm (an inspiring, slightly imposing, educational Buddhist monastic Institute where the ‘precepts of the hill’ ask that you literally do not hurt a fly and there were many biting horse-flies).
I wanted a challenge, to see what I could learn from my surroundings and myself, analyse if I missed anything from ‘normal’ life and find out if any of these ‘crazy-free-radical people’ had better ideas about how to live.
I wanted to see what kind of daydream I would like to materialise and how much I could do with the least amount of money.
It turned out that the majority of community members are actually just ‘normal’, lovely, squishy, humans on the same journey as me. With the same questions and the same yearning to find their place in life.
There was also an impossibly cute baby bearded dragon. I was surprised when two others introduced themselves as ‘multi-dimensional seers’. I wasn’t aware that was a thing.
They were vibrant, lovely, friendly multi-dimensional seers and were kind enough to teach me to be able to do some effective NLP to help improve my thought patterns and behaviours. They looked just like regular humans and also made a tasty paleo quiche.
I will do a more detailed post about the things I learned on this adventure, another day and just say the main thing I took from was;
‘Appreciate your own and others time, space, energy and love. Do whatever the fuck makes you feel good and consciously aim to cause no harm to yourself, others or the planet- or flies’.
Space-time-energy-love appreciation. That was the vibe and principle of them all.
Even the creepy German sex cave guy somewhat, with his desire to offer hospitality, a sanctuary, external and internal ‘massages’ and love to other sex cave enjoying friends, all within a piece of sexy paradise (5 minutes from Noosa’s bourgeois retail complex).
I realised each person’s dream is a bit different to another’s, his personally being much about sexy caves. I wasn’t sure that was my thing, so until I my friend came to rescue me, I just politely declined his invitations and guarded myself with steam cleaner.
I came away with some interesting thoughts and a number of interesting book recommendations (excluding Nudist Fun Monthly) that I am slowly working my way through:
Louise Hay – How to heal your life.
Mitch Albom – Tuesdays with Morrie.
Rosalie Ham – The Dressmaker.
Li Cunxin – Mao’s last Dancer.
Chogyam Trungpa – Work, Sex, Money: Real life on the Path of Mindfulness.
Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche – Not for Happiness.
*Further recommendations left in the comments might earn you a lollipop.
Playing with my beliefs around ‘space-time-energy distribution’ ‘self-worth’ and ‘value’, has helped me challenge some preconceived ideas, thrown up some fun curve balls and at times made me feel fucking insecure.
Insecure about being a little pea sized human in such a big universe. I keep thinking maybe I should just try being ‘normal’ again.
If I look from one perspective I am a 27 year old boho hobo, my boyfriend is leaving, I’m sleeping on couches, with no career, no house, no car, no children, a few dollars in the bank and no security. Not even a goldfish. That could be shit and somewhat scary. I could feel negative.
Or I could choose to look at it from a different perspective; I am a young, happy, healthy, privileged, educated backpacker enjoying an opportunity of unimaginable joy, experience and freedom. I can choose to see the sunrise and sunset every day. I could feel gratitude.
I am learning that I can have peace, happiness and security, no matter how much money, what job I have, where I live, what clothes I wear or how I paint my face if I remember to be thankful for just ‘being’. That I appreciate my opportunities for experiences, learning and the pursuit of knowledge. I’m investigating freeganism, trade based & community living, volunteering, wwoofing and creating open content workshops as alternate ways to thrive in society.
It’s all quite fun. Even the times of uncertainty. Even if it’s ‘uncertified’ and I don’t get a degree and tasselled hat from university to tell me I’m doing the right thing. I’m realising I am still a valuable little bio-bot and I’m surrounded by fractals, flowers, puppies, hugs and love.