Daydream-catcher Making

I’ve had lots of motivation to ‘do things’ recently but have been finding it difficult to make myself listen, sit, observe and reflect. I’ve definitely been buzzing at a high frequency and I appreciate that I am sometimes fucking annoying.

I was advised by a naturopath, whilst living at Bellbunya (a sustainable retreat in Queensland), that I have problems with my ears and I need to work on my listening skills. I’ve heard this advice a lot in my life but always struggled to listen.

I was told by another friend in the community, whilst he was making me a beeswax candle one evening to ward off some of the negative energy (and huntsmen spiders) in my room, that I was ‘Vata’ in Ayurvedic medicine.

Meaning I need to regularly calm and tether myself with meditation, rest, water, and nutritious food. I am trying to learn to appreciate ‘being’. I am learning to go with the ebb and flow. The waves of life. I want to be a space-time surfer.

Thanks to my mum, my friends and the unsuspecting strangers for their time, love and energy recently. Thank you for listening, cuddling, feeding, sharing your homes, dancing with and loving me, you sexy little beasts.


Catching Daydreams…

My travel/living/work/love/life circumstances have all been changing recently. I’ve slept in 7 different beds the last couple of months and met many new, ridiculously intelligent and interesting people.

Good friends are advancing away on their own paths, once familiar places feel different and new opportunities have been presenting themselves. I know it’s time for more adventures and I’m excited to go exploring.

Even if I wasn’t, I only have 6 months left on my Australian visa, so some sort of cunning plan might come in handy soon. I’ve found myself daydream-catcher-making, thinking and asking myself a lot;

“Well, what the fuck do I do now?”

Trying to get a grip on this has taken some time and processing. It’s thrown up lots of other questions too. Lots of questions and lots of self-reflection, analysis and poking about in my insides and my soul.

I’ve been asking myself “What are my beliefs?”, “Do my actions match those beliefs?”, “Where do I get my idea of ‘identity’?”, “What is my perception of success?”, “If I’m not going to do what I have for the last 7 years (travel, stripping, cities), then how am I actually going to thrive?”, “Do I need to chase money and exotic sunsets?”, “Can I enjoy being in my own company?”

And the always fun; “What is the worth of my existence?”.

In January I decided to go back to Queensland for the 4th time (I still haven’t made it to Sydney), it might seem repetitive but it’s a ridiculously beautiful, subtropical, rainforest, beach porn heaven and I like it. I went to live in 3 ‘intentional communities’ for a few weeks. These included:

Bellbunya: $75 p/wk in exchange for 18 hrs community work (half asylum, half eco-retreat, good people, great veggies and lots of laughs).

Noosa Edge: Free – I didn’t stay the night (advertised as a nudist resort, actually more like a 66 year old man’s wet dream materialised- sticky, homophobic and definitely not my vibe).

Chenrezig: $20 p/night in shared dharma dorm (an inspiring, slightly imposing, educational Buddhist monastic Institute where the ‘precepts of the hill’ ask that you literally do not hurt a fly and there were many biting horse-flies).

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Natural Pool, Bellbunya Community, Sunshine Coast.

I wanted a challenge, to see what I could learn from my surroundings and myself, analyse if I missed anything from ‘normal’ life and find out if any of these ‘crazy-free-radical people’ had better ideas about how to live.

I wanted to see what kind of daydream I would like to materialise and how much I could do with the least amount of money. 

It turned out that the majority of community members are actually just ‘normal’, lovely, squishy, humans on the same journey as me. With the same questions and the same yearning to find their place in life.

There was also an impossibly cute baby bearded dragon. I was surprised when two others introduced themselves as ‘multi-dimensional seers’. I wasn’t aware that was a thing.

They were vibrant, lovely, friendly multi-dimensional seers and were kind enough to teach me to be able to do some effective NLP to help improve my thought patterns and behaviours. They looked just like regular humans and also made a tasty paleo quiche.

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‘Fantas’.

I will do a more detailed post about the things I learned on this adventure, another day and just say the main thing I took from was;

‘Appreciate your own and others time, space, energy and love. Do whatever the fuck makes you feel good and consciously aim to cause no harm to yourself, others or the planet- or flies’.

Space-time-energy-love appreciation. That was the vibe and principle of them all.

Even the creepy German sex cave guy somewhat, with his desire to offer hospitality, a sanctuary, external and internal ‘massages’ and love to other sex cave enjoying friends, all within a piece of sexy paradise (5 minutes from Noosa’s bourgeois retail complex).

I realised each person’s dream is a bit different to another’s, his personally being much about sexy caves. I wasn’t sure that was my thing, so until I my friend came to rescue me, I just politely declined his invitations and guarded myself with steam cleaner.

I came away with some interesting thoughts and a number of interesting book recommendations (excluding Nudist Fun Monthly) that I am slowly working my way through:

  1. Louise Hay – How to heal your life.
  2. Mitch Albom – Tuesdays with Morrie.
  3. Rosalie Ham – The Dressmaker.
  4. Li Cunxin – Mao’s last Dancer.
  5. Chogyam Trungpa – Work, Sex, Money: Real life on the Path of Mindfulness.
  6. Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche – Not for Happiness.

*Further recommendations left in the comments might earn you a lollipop.


Daydream Making…

Playing with my beliefs around ‘space-time-energy distribution’ ‘self-worth’ and ‘value’, has helped me challenge some preconceived ideas, thrown up some fun curve balls and at times made me feel fucking insecure.

Insecure about being a little pea sized human in such a big universe. I keep thinking maybe I should just try being ‘normal’ again.

If I look from one perspective I am a 27 year old boho hobo, my boyfriend is leaving, I’m sleeping on couches, with no career, no house, no car, no children, a few dollars in the bank and no security. Not even a goldfish. That could be shit and somewhat scary. I could feel negative.

Or I could choose to look at it from a different perspective; I am a young, happy, healthy, privileged, educated backpacker enjoying an opportunity of unimaginable joy, experience and freedom. I can choose to see the sunrise and sunset every day. I could feel gratitude.

Vitamin Sea

I am learning that I can have peace, happiness and security, no matter how much money, what job I have, where I live, what clothes I wear or how I paint my face if I remember to be thankful for just ‘being’.
That I appreciate my opportunities for experiences, learning and the pursuit of knowledge. I’m investigating freeganism, trade based & community living, volunteering, wwoofing and creating open content workshops as alternate ways to thrive in society.

It’s all quite fun. Even the times of uncertainty. Even if it’s ‘uncertified’ and I don’t get a degree and tasselled hat from university to tell me I’m doing the right thing. I’m realising I am still a valuable little bio-bot and I’m surrounded by fractals, flowers, puppies, hugs and love.


 

 

 

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Teacups, fishnets and philosophy

Decisions, decisions. Found myself falling down a lot of rabbit holes lately and I’m trying to figure out; which of the white rabbits to follow and where we will go. Making travel (and subsequently life) plans is a difficult balance of listening to my head and following my heart.

It can make me feel insecure, anxious and a bit fucking crazy. So I’m taking some advice from the Mad Hatter to help me on my wandering quest to find wonderland;

”There is a place. Like no place on Earth. A land full of wonder, mystery, and danger! Some say to survive it: You need to be as mad as a hatter… Which luckily I am”

I’m starting to think that I should just embrace the uncertainty of not knowing where exactly I am going, ride the waves of life and work with what I do know. I know I am a bit of a tinker. I know I am a bit of a rebel. Maybe it’s just a case of finding my pots and pans.

I really enjoy being able to slowly wander in life, I like to have time to smell the flowers, drink the coffee, talk to the animals and read the books. I like to have time to meditate, be creative, dance and face my fears. These things make me happy and are good for my physical and mental health.

I also like to try mend and heal broken things and improve myself and my environment. To me, these are the juicy bits in life. This is the kind of shit that I want to spend my time doing. This is what makes my soul feel good and gives me fire in my belly.

However, I am also inherently a little lazy and usually look for the easiest way to do things. I enjoy being in a bed a lot. I think naptime is one of my most favourite times of the day and I can sometimes struggle to find the energy, drive and motivation to do things all the positive things that I know are good for me.

I don’t like work and definitely don’t enjoy having to be employed, a slave to capitalism and the endless pursuit of money. I am realising that if I spend too much time and energy doing this it makes me depressed. I get tired and grumpy and stop looking after myself. I stop doing the things I actually enjoy.

I have avoided the necessity for full-time employment most of my adult life, mainly by being a stripper. It seems like a sensible, logical choice to me.

It is financially rewarding for the amount of hours I have to work and it affords me the opportunities that having money brings, whilst still allowing me time and freedom to pursue some of my interests, passions and goals. It has been my main source of income for most of my adult life.

I enjoy it, as much as anyone enjoys work, and I am good at it. It has also helped to improve my physical and emotional strength; poles are challenging to dance on and around, with grace in 8” heels, 7 hours into a shift, after 6 tequilas and being told by fat, drunk men that you have small tits makes you question if and why you care what others think.

I think if I’m happy with my little tits that’s all that matters. It has helped to challenge my beliefs about; love, confidence, sexuality and beauty, often. I have always found it an interesting industry to work in. But I am getting bored and my knees are starting to get sore.

Suspenders and philosophy: “If you haven’t fallen off the dick [shaped] stage, you are not a real stripper” – Cassie.

Even though it’s quick money it’s not always easy. Night-shifts are shit, clubs are usually in cities and drunk people are annoying.

It’s not quite doing it for me anymore, it’s killing my nice vibrational buzz. I don’t want to end up being a naked, mindless robot. After 8 years, I know it is soon time to hang up my 8″ platform, plastic stripper shoes (they are exactly as ridiculous as they sound) and look for something else.

I am realising that how I spend my time and the things that I do, think about and spend my energy on, have an impact on my life.

If I am doing boring, tiresome, mindless things it can make me boring, tiresome and mindless. It can affect my self-worth and happiness. It can affect who I am as a person.

And because I suck hard at saving and have never been organised or disciplined enough to pay myself a little stripper pension (I am technically ‘self-employed’) I will more than likely need to live with less money.

So I have found myself looking for alternatives. A happy, fun, positive, creative lifes without the need for much money. This is what sparked the decision to travel to communities. It also sparked a question in me; ‘What the fuck do I do now?’ Trying to figure this out is how I’m spending most of my time and energy recently. And I think it’s the start of my next big adventure.

About Me – TINKERREBEL

*Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by lots of swearing, honesty, or you are my Grandad, please do not continue to read, you might not like it.

I cannot say if I feel I am entirely qualified to write this, as I am not sure that I know myself in my whole entirety, nor that this point of understanding may ever actually be achievable in life. So the idea of writing an ‘about me’ as an intro to my blog and then sharing that with the world, or the 5 or so people that may be reading this (hello mum), made me feel so uncomfortable that I have been procrastinating for quite a while.

Today I eventually decided to put on my brave girl pants, ignore the insecurity bullshit and just share what I currently feel able. Please forgive me if it is a little rambling or just plain shit, in parts, as this whole process of reflection and writing is a steep, challenging but so far rewarding and therapeutic, learning curve for me.

I do hope to be able to give you a small insight into what drives me, what makes me passionate and why I feel the need to share some of these things with the blogosphere world (or 5 or so people that are reading this).

I have, as those of you who know me, will most likely already know, been self-employed as a ‘barmaid’ stripper for the last 8 years.

This is not something I usually go around broadcasting, as I am of the opinion that job title should not define our identity (more on that at a later date), but I do feel it necessary to now mention it here. This being because it enabled me to basically go around doing whatever the fuck I liked for quite a long time. And I did. I partied and travelled and pleased myself numerous times and in numerous ways.

I spent my time and energy, carelessly and merrily pursuing and thinking about only my own interests. I have spent a lot of my years; chasing money, getting high with drink, drugs and adrenaline, buying endless amounts of unnecessary things, eating delicious and expensive cheese, sleeping ’till noon and fucking pretty men. And it was pleasurable. Pleasurable but sometimes unhealthy. It was fake, certainly unsustainable and quite selfish.

So I now find myself at a point in my life where all this is no longer enough. I find myself searching for something much ‘more’.

Exploring the world has also enabled me to explore my ideas of ‘myself’ and what it is that really makes me happy. And I’m realising that it isn’t endless drink, drugs and cheese. It isn’t even aimlessly travelling beautiful countries. Although I do still enjoy some of these things.

What I really desire is a way to keep those euphoric feelings I have occasionally glimpsed through those old ways, going for longer. Sustainable nirvana. A more healthy and long lasting happiness.

Mollyamourous Anonymous

I’m starting to realise what it is that I actually enjoy in life. Where it is I now get my buzz. And yes I’m quite surprised myself to say, that for the moment anyway, these are much more about organic veggies, the joy of learning, expressing myself through creative outlets, experiencing natural magical wonders, spirituality, eco retreats and yoga than they are money, selfish pleasures, tequila and cocaine.

And I am not claiming that I have miraculously turned into a Saint. Far from it. I am just beginning to be more honest with myself. I suppose it goes back to the old question of which Mary I think am? The saint or the whore. Either way, it feels like I may be getting closer to at least a more healthier balance of both.

I am now realising that I could maybe happily live out the rest of my days just tucked away somewhere quiet and peaceful, that I no longer require all the things that are fake. I just need my little gypsy caravan, a sunny wildflower meadow, loved ones, music, laughter, creative positive outlets and puppies. Lots of puppies.

I’m passionate about life, our beautiful planet, the environment, sustainability, ethical living, system change, slow-fashion, eco-travel, slow-food, edification and love.

I’m really, really, passionate about love.

Van life and gypsy dreams.

So this is what I have figured out so far – about me;

I am 27, I am 3 inches taller than an actual midget and I have always been a rebel, an adventurer and a little bit feral. I live on a weird and wondrous planet called earth, that’s spinning and flying about in a dark corner of an infinitely fucking big place called the universe. I spent most of my childhood in a small town in the North of England, where the weather is cold but the tea is hot. I like turtles. I don’t like toads.

I would also most likely be labelled by:

Psychiatrists as a slightly neurotic, ADHD, anxious, over-thinker.Doctors as a healthy, fit, nourished, Caucasian. Politicians as a potentially, dangerous, disaffected, troublemaker. Physicists as a relatively, insignificant spec of universal matter.Tribal-Elders as a silly, baby bird who can’t feed itself properly. Anarchists as an optimistic, member of the mainstream.

I asked my Mum and she said it was a struggle to distill my essence into a few words, but eventually came up with a curious and formidable, fiery, dreamer (and occasionally just a bit of a silly twat).

So maybe it’s all just a matter of perception and semantics.

I’m choosing to share all of this because; it should hopefully (and I’m not promising) keep some of my massively long rants off facebook, it’s lighter than a diary, writing is a great way to help me process some of my many daily thoughts on all the deep shit in life, I’m probably a bit of a narcissist and I genuinely believe that the internet, blogs and social media can be very powerful tools. That when used well can educate, inspire, motivate and be a mechanism for real personal and societal development.

That is what I hope for anyway. To be honest I’m just winging it. I think we’re all just winging it in life really. But I do feel happier than I have ever felt before. So I’m going to keep going.

So that is me and this is my blog…