Or more accurately what I’ve learned about myself so far on this odd little journey we call life.
*Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by lots of swearing, honesty, or you are my Grandad, please do not continue to read, you might not like it.
I cannot say if I feel I am entirely qualified to write this, as I am not sure that I know myself in my whole entirety, nor that this point of understanding may ever actually be achievable in life. So the idea of writing an ‘about me’ as an intro to my blog and then sharing that with the world, or the 5 or so people that may be reading this (hello mum), made me feel so uncomfortable that I have been procrastinating for quite a while. Today I eventually decided to put on my brave girl pants, ignore the insecurity bullshit and just share what I currently feel able. Please forgive me if it is a little rambling or just plain shit, in parts, as this whole process of reflection and writing is a steep, challenging but so far rewarding and therapeutic, learning curve for me. I do hope to be able to give you a small insight into what drives me, what makes me passionate and why I feel the need to share some of these things with the blogosphere world (or 5 or so people that are reading this).
I have, as those of you who know me, will most likely already know, been self-employed as a ‘barmaid’ stripper for the last 8 years. This is not something I usually go around broadcasting, as I am of the opinion that job title should not define our identity (more on that at a later date), but I do feel it necessary to now mention it here. This being because it enabled me to basically go around doing whatever the fuck I liked for quite a long time. And I did. I partied and travelled and pleased myself numerous times and in numerous ways. I spent my time and energy, carelessly and merrily pursuing and thinking about only my own interests. I have spent a lot of my years; chasing money, getting high with drink, drugs and adrenaline, buying endless amounts of unnecessary things, eating delicious and expensive cheese, sleeping ’till noon and fucking pretty men. And it was pleasurable. Pleasurable but sometimes unhealthy. It was fake, certainly unsustainable and quite selfish.
So I now find myself at a point in my life where all this is no longer enough. I find myself searching for something much ‘more’.
Exploring the world has also enabled me to explore my ideas of ‘myself’ and what it is that really makes me happy. And I’m realising that it isn’t endless drink, drugs and cheese. It isn’t even aimlessly travelling beautiful countries. Although I do still enjoy some of these things. What I really desire is a way to keep those euphoric feelings I have occasionally acheived through the things that I thought were pleasing me, but were actually unhealthy, going for longer. Sustainable nirvana. A more healthy and long lasting happiness. I’m starting to realise what it is that I actually enjoy in life. Where it is I now get my buzz. And yes I’m quite surprised myself to say, that for the moment anyway, these are much more about organic veggies, the joy of learning, expressing myself through creative outlets, experiencing natural magical wonders, spirituality, eco retreats and yoga than they are money, selfish pleasures, tequila and cocaine. And I am not claiming that I have miraculously turned into a Saint. Far from it. I am just beginning to be more honest with myself. I suppose it goes back to the old question of which Mary I think am? The saint or the whore. Either way, it feels like I may be getting closer to at least a more healthier balance of both.
I am now realising that I could maybe happily live out the rest of my days just tucked away somewhere quiet and peaceful, that I no longer require all the things that are fake. I just need my little gypsy caravan, a sunny wildflower meadow, loved ones, music, laughter, creative positive outlets and puppies. Lots of puppies.
I’m passionate about life, our beautiful planet, the environment, sustainability, ethical living, system change, slow-fashion, eco-travel, slow-food, edification and love.
I’m really, really, passionate about love.
So this is what I have figured out so far – about me;
I am 27, I am 3 inches taller than an actual midget and I have always been a rebel, an adventurer and a little bit feral. I live on a weird and wondrous planet called earth, that’s spinning and flying about in a dark corner of an infinitely fucking big place called the universe. I spent most of my childhood in a small town in the North of England, where the weather is cold but the tea is hot. I like turtles. I don’t like toads.
I would also most likely be labelled by:
Psychiatrists as a slightly neurotic, ADHD, anxious, over-thinker.
Doctors as a healthy, fit, nourished, Caucasian.
Politicians as a potentially, dangerous, disaffected, troublemaker.
Physicists as a relatively, insignificant spec of universal matter.
Tribal-Elders as a silly, baby bird who can’t feed itself properly.
Anarchists as an optimistic, member of the mainstream.
I asked my Mum and she said it was a struggle to distill my essence into a few words, but eventually came up with a curious and formidable, fiery, dreamer (and occasionally just a bit of a silly twat).
So maybe it’s all just a matter of perception and semantics.
I’m choosing to share all of this because; it should hopefully (and I’m not promising) keep some of my massively long rants off facebook, it’s lighter than a diary, writing is a great way to help me process some of my many daily thoughts on all the deep shit in life, I’m probably a bit of a narcissist and I genuinely believe that the internet, blogs and social media can be very powerful tools. That when used well can educate, inspire, motivate and be a mechanism for real personal and societal development. That is what I hope for anyway. To be honest I’m just winging it. I think we’re all just winging it in life really. But I do feel happier than I have ever felt before. So I’m going to keep going.
So that is me and this is my blog…