Decisions, decisions. Found myself falling down a lot of rabbit holes lately and I’m trying to figure out; which of the white rabbits to follow and where we will go. Making travel (and subsequently life) plans is a difficult balance of listening to my head and following my heart.
It can make me feel insecure, anxious and a bit fucking crazy. So I’m taking some advice from the Mad Hatter to help me on my wandering quest to find wonderland;
”There is a place. Like no place on Earth. A land full of wonder, mystery, and danger! Some say to survive it: You need to be as mad as a hatter… Which luckily I am”
I’m starting to think that I should just embrace the uncertainty of not knowing where exactly I am going, ride the waves of life and work with what I do know. I know I am a bit of a tinker. I know I am a bit of a rebel. Maybe it’s just a case of finding my pots and pans.
I really enjoy being able to slowly wander in life, I like to have time to smell the flowers, drink the coffee, talk to the animals and read the books. I like to have time to meditate, be creative, dance and face my fears. These things make me happy and are good for my physical and mental health.
I also like to try mend and heal broken things and improve myself and my environment. To me, these are the juicy bits in life. This is the kind of shit that I want to spend my time doing. This is what makes my soul feel good and gives me fire in my belly.
However, I am also inherently a little lazy and usually look for the easiest way to do things. I enjoy being in a bed a lot. I think naptime is one of my most favourite times of the day and I can sometimes struggle to find the energy, drive and motivation to do things all the positive things that I know are good for me.
I don’t like work and definitely don’t enjoy having to be employed, a slave to capitalism and the endless pursuit of money. I am realising that if I spend too much time and energy doing this it makes me depressed. I get tired and grumpy and stop looking after myself. I stop doing the things I actually enjoy.
I have avoided the necessity for full-time employment most of my adult life, mainly by being a stripper. It seems like a sensible, logical choice to me.
It is financially rewarding for the amount of hours I have to work and it affords me the opportunities that having money brings, whilst still allowing me time and freedom to pursue some of my interests, passions and goals. It has been my main source of income for most of my adult life.
I enjoy it, as much as anyone enjoys work, and I am good at it. It has also helped to improve my physical and emotional strength; poles are challenging to dance on and around, with grace in 8” heels, 7 hours into a shift, after 6 tequilas and being told by fat, drunk men that you have small tits makes you question if and why you care what others think.
I think if I’m happy with my little tits that’s all that matters. It has helped to challenge my beliefs about; love, confidence, sexuality and beauty, often. I have always found it an interesting industry to work in. But I am getting bored and my knees are starting to get sore.
Even though it’s quick money it’s not always easy. Night-shifts are shit, clubs are usually in cities and drunk people are annoying.
It’s not quite doing it for me anymore, it’s killing my nice vibrational buzz. I don’t want to end up being a naked, mindless robot. After 8 years, I know it is soon time to hang up my 8″ platform, plastic stripper shoes (they are exactly as ridiculous as they sound) and look for something else.
I am realising that how I spend my time and the things that I do, think about and spend my energy on, have an impact on my life.
If I am doing boring, tiresome, mindless things it can make me boring, tiresome and mindless. It can affect my self-worth and happiness. It can affect who I am as a person.
And because I suck hard at saving and have never been organised or disciplined enough to pay myself a little stripper pension (I am technically ‘self-employed’) I will more than likely need to live with less money.
So I have found myself looking for alternatives. A happy, fun, positive, creative lifes without the need for much money. This is what sparked the decision to travel to communities. It also sparked a question in me; ‘What the fuck do I do now?’ Trying to figure this out is how I’m spending most of my time and energy recently. And I think it’s the start of my next big adventure.