Teacups, fishnets and philosophy

Decisions, decisions. Found myself falling down a lot of rabbit holes lately and I’m trying to figure out; which of the white rabbits to follow and where we will go. Making travel (and subsequently life) plans is a difficult balance of listening to my head and following my heart.

It can make me feel insecure, anxious and a bit fucking crazy. So I’m taking some advice from the Mad Hatter to help me on my wandering quest to find wonderland;

”There is a place. Like no place on Earth. A land full of wonder, mystery, and danger! Some say to survive it: You need to be as mad as a hatter… Which luckily I am”

I’m starting to think that I should just embrace the uncertainty of not knowing where exactly I am going, ride the waves of life and work with what I do know. I know I am a bit of a tinker. I know I am a bit of a rebel. Maybe it’s just a case of finding my pots and pans.

I really enjoy being able to slowly wander in life, I like to have time to smell the flowers, drink the coffee, talk to the animals and read the books. I like to have time to meditate, be creative, dance and face my fears. These things make me happy and are good for my physical and mental health.

I also like to try mend and heal broken things and improve myself and my environment. To me, these are the juicy bits in life. This is the kind of shit that I want to spend my time doing. This is what makes my soul feel good and gives me fire in my belly.

However, I am also inherently a little lazy and usually look for the easiest way to do things. I enjoy being in a bed a lot. I think naptime is one of my most favourite times of the day and I can sometimes struggle to find the energy, drive and motivation to do things all the positive things that I know are good for me.

I don’t like work and definitely don’t enjoy having to be employed, a slave to capitalism and the endless pursuit of money. I am realising that if I spend too much time and energy doing this it makes me depressed. I get tired and grumpy and stop looking after myself. I stop doing the things I actually enjoy.

I have avoided the necessity for full-time employment most of my adult life, mainly by being a stripper. It seems like a sensible, logical choice to me.

It is financially rewarding for the amount of hours I have to work and it affords me the opportunities that having money brings, whilst still allowing me time and freedom to pursue some of my interests, passions and goals. It has been my main source of income for most of my adult life.

I enjoy it, as much as anyone enjoys work, and I am good at it. It has also helped to improve my physical and emotional strength; poles are challenging to dance on and around, with grace in 8” heels, 7 hours into a shift, after 6 tequilas and being told by fat, drunk men that you have small tits makes you question if and why you care what others think.

I think if I’m happy with my little tits that’s all that matters. It has helped to challenge my beliefs about; love, confidence, sexuality and beauty, often. I have always found it an interesting industry to work in. But I am getting bored and my knees are starting to get sore.

Suspenders and philosophy: “If you haven’t fallen off the dick [shaped] stage, you are not a real stripper” – Cassie.

Even though it’s quick money it’s not always easy. Night-shifts are shit, clubs are usually in cities and drunk people are annoying.

It’s not quite doing it for me anymore, it’s killing my nice vibrational buzz. I don’t want to end up being a naked, mindless robot. After 8 years, I know it is soon time to hang up my 8″ platform, plastic stripper shoes (they are exactly as ridiculous as they sound) and look for something else.

I am realising that how I spend my time and the things that I do, think about and spend my energy on, have an impact on my life.

If I am doing boring, tiresome, mindless things it can make me boring, tiresome and mindless. It can affect my self-worth and happiness. It can affect who I am as a person.

And because I suck hard at saving and have never been organised or disciplined enough to pay myself a little stripper pension (I am technically ‘self-employed’) I will more than likely need to live with less money.

So I have found myself looking for alternatives. A happy, fun, positive, creative lifes without the need for much money. This is what sparked the decision to travel to communities. It also sparked a question in me; ‘What the fuck do I do now?’ Trying to figure this out is how I’m spending most of my time and energy recently. And I think it’s the start of my next big adventure.

About Me – TINKERREBEL

*Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by lots of swearing, honesty, or you are my Grandad, please do not continue to read, you might not like it.

I cannot say if I feel I am entirely qualified to write this, as I am not sure that I know myself in my whole entirety, nor that this point of understanding may ever actually be achievable in life. So the idea of writing an ‘about me’ as an intro to my blog and then sharing that with the world, or the 5 or so people that may be reading this (hello mum), made me feel so uncomfortable that I have been procrastinating for quite a while.

Today I eventually decided to put on my brave girl pants, ignore the insecurity bullshit and just share what I currently feel able. Please forgive me if it is a little rambling or just plain shit, in parts, as this whole process of reflection and writing is a steep, challenging but so far rewarding and therapeutic, learning curve for me.

I do hope to be able to give you a small insight into what drives me, what makes me passionate and why I feel the need to share some of these things with the blogosphere world (or 5 or so people that are reading this).

I have, as those of you who know me, will most likely already know, been self-employed as a ‘barmaid’ stripper for the last 8 years.

This is not something I usually go around broadcasting, as I am of the opinion that job title should not define our identity (more on that at a later date), but I do feel it necessary to now mention it here. This being because it enabled me to basically go around doing whatever the fuck I liked for quite a long time. And I did. I partied and travelled and pleased myself numerous times and in numerous ways.

I spent my time and energy, carelessly and merrily pursuing and thinking about only my own interests. I have spent a lot of my years; chasing money, getting high with drink, drugs and adrenaline, buying endless amounts of unnecessary things, eating delicious and expensive cheese, sleeping ’till noon and fucking pretty men. And it was pleasurable. Pleasurable but sometimes unhealthy. It was fake, certainly unsustainable and quite selfish.

So I now find myself at a point in my life where all this is no longer enough. I find myself searching for something much ‘more’.

Exploring the world has also enabled me to explore my ideas of ‘myself’ and what it is that really makes me happy. And I’m realising that it isn’t endless drink, drugs and cheese. It isn’t even aimlessly travelling beautiful countries. Although I do still enjoy some of these things.

What I really desire is a way to keep those euphoric feelings I have occasionally glimpsed through those old ways, going for longer. Sustainable nirvana. A more healthy and long lasting happiness.

Mollyamourous Anonymous

I’m starting to realise what it is that I actually enjoy in life. Where it is I now get my buzz. And yes I’m quite surprised myself to say, that for the moment anyway, these are much more about organic veggies, the joy of learning, expressing myself through creative outlets, experiencing natural magical wonders, spirituality, eco retreats and yoga than they are money, selfish pleasures, tequila and cocaine.

And I am not claiming that I have miraculously turned into a Saint. Far from it. I am just beginning to be more honest with myself. I suppose it goes back to the old question of which Mary I think am? The saint or the whore. Either way, it feels like I may be getting closer to at least a more healthier balance of both.

I am now realising that I could maybe happily live out the rest of my days just tucked away somewhere quiet and peaceful, that I no longer require all the things that are fake. I just need my little gypsy caravan, a sunny wildflower meadow, loved ones, music, laughter, creative positive outlets and puppies. Lots of puppies.

I’m passionate about life, our beautiful planet, the environment, sustainability, ethical living, system change, slow-fashion, eco-travel, slow-food, edification and love.

I’m really, really, passionate about love.

Van life and gypsy dreams.

So this is what I have figured out so far – about me;

I am 27, I am 3 inches taller than an actual midget and I have always been a rebel, an adventurer and a little bit feral. I live on a weird and wondrous planet called earth, that’s spinning and flying about in a dark corner of an infinitely fucking big place called the universe. I spent most of my childhood in a small town in the North of England, where the weather is cold but the tea is hot. I like turtles. I don’t like toads.

I would also most likely be labelled by:

Psychiatrists as a slightly neurotic, ADHD, anxious, over-thinker.Doctors as a healthy, fit, nourished, Caucasian. Politicians as a potentially, dangerous, disaffected, troublemaker. Physicists as a relatively, insignificant spec of universal matter.Tribal-Elders as a silly, baby bird who can’t feed itself properly. Anarchists as an optimistic, member of the mainstream.

I asked my Mum and she said it was a struggle to distill my essence into a few words, but eventually came up with a curious and formidable, fiery, dreamer (and occasionally just a bit of a silly twat).

So maybe it’s all just a matter of perception and semantics.

I’m choosing to share all of this because; it should hopefully (and I’m not promising) keep some of my massively long rants off facebook, it’s lighter than a diary, writing is a great way to help me process some of my many daily thoughts on all the deep shit in life, I’m probably a bit of a narcissist and I genuinely believe that the internet, blogs and social media can be very powerful tools. That when used well can educate, inspire, motivate and be a mechanism for real personal and societal development.

That is what I hope for anyway. To be honest I’m just winging it. I think we’re all just winging it in life really. But I do feel happier than I have ever felt before. So I’m going to keep going.

So that is me and this is my blog…